Why I’m bitter about ‘The Avengers’

Airing some last minute skepticism about “The Avengers” before the movie premieres and some frustration with Marvel.

Look, I’m seeing “The Avengers” tonight at midnight, and my thoughts will definitely be completely changed after its two 2:20 runtime. I will be able to judge the movie as a movie and not by its ravenous fans.

But I’ve been bitching about this movie for too long with no one listening, so I had to get my thoughts down on paper at some point before this evening.

If I’m not on the same page of enthusiasm for “The Avengers,” it’s because I haven’t bought into Marvel’s ad campaign for the last three years. Yes, “The Avengers” is the final product of a massive hype machine that Marvel has executed perfectly since Day 1.

The damn thing is a crossover, supergroup, mashup like no movie ever made (maybe “The Expendables,” which is also getting a sequel this summer). All the previous movies released have been little more than ads building up to this, and even this one is bound to be filled with meaningless Easter eggs that will serve to promote a sequel that is bound to already be in the works.

The argument goes that Marvel isn’t just marketing for the next movie but is in fact creating a whole universe of movies with a collective mythology. They say this is precisely what comics have been doing for years, and to try anything like this is a massively ambitious undertaking.

But in accomplishing that goal, Marvel hasn’t made a single “great” superhero movie since they started “The Avengers” arc. Here’s their scorecard: The last “Iron Man” movie had more product placement than anything I’ve ever seen and played like an episode of “Entourage.” “Thor” was the most idiotic and lowbrow superhero movie in years. “Captain America” was good, but it was only good because it was campy and had a great retro, ‘40s vibe. Chris Evans is not a particularly charismatic leading man, and the Nick Fury add-ons both before and after the main plot of the film were ridiculous. And will anyone actually say that any Hulk movie has been good?

These movies have been designed to be safe bets, movies that are maybe fun and enjoyable, but forgettable. Loki in “Thor” is a great example. Maybe you liked Tom Hiddleston’s portrayal of him, but if you were to argue that he’s a cooler villain than The Joker or Dr. Octopus, you’d just be wrong. The Easter eggs and secret endings are there because they keep you more excited about the next movie coming than the one you’re currently watching. So for a movie to now combine the sum of all those half-baked parts and expect that the end product will be more than the same trite dialogue, one-dimensional characters and endlessly chaotic explosions of CGI action is asking a lot.

I don’t think anyone has ever said that Joss Whedon does not seem like a perfect directing choice, and yet I can’t figure out why. This is basically his first feature film if you consider the fact that “Serenity” is little more than a “Firefly” spinoff with a theatrical release. He’s the kind of guy who has name recognition and nerd cred above actual pedigree, and picking him to direct seems like just another part of Marvel’s master plan.

You know one of the things I loved about “The Dark Knight?” It had nothing at the end of the credits. I worked at a movie theater and saw people hanging around until they were over, only to be disappointed, literally months after the movie was released. Christopher Nolan made a masterpiece and let the hype for “The Dark Knight Rises” build on its own. They’re only now using a viral ad campaign to heavily promote the film. It hasn’t been the talk of the town like “The Avengers” was since the credits started rolling in “Captain America.”

Marvel has ingrained this mindset in us that we shouldn’t be satisfied with what we just watched and should always be expecting more. Mission accomplished, because I’ve always wanted more than what Marvel has actually delivered.

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