Anyone who knows me knows I had severe doubts about “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” before going in, and despite my enjoyment of the first film, this one has Michael Bay to thank for that. But I checked my bias at the door and yet my first suspicion this would be a bad film was the Paramount logo. Sound effects punctuated every star that flew by (all 22), and I asked, “Is this really necessary?”
That’s the question I was asking throughout the whole movie. How much longer does this fight scene between hundreds of CGI creations have to drag on for? And how many more of them do we need? How many back stories and Macguffins do we need to understand that an evil alien race wants to destroy Earth purely for revenge (which, since it’s in the title, is fairly obvious already)? Why must it pander every stereotype, cliché and sex joke in the book before it thinks we’re entertained?
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is an “action extravaganza” clocking in at 2 and ½ hours with more endless battles, plot explanations and cheesy dialogue than the first film, of roughly the same length, could’ve ever dreamed of fitting in. Only Michael Bay could make a film this arduously cluttered with the intensity scale set to 100 percent. He leaves no room for suspense, character development or a sense of humor. It’s robots all the time only with briefly peppered in moments of human/human, human/robot or robot/robot interaction and dialogue. But those segments are so fast paced, so poorly written and so unbearably annoying that I was begging for the dialogue to end so I could at least get back to simply rolling my eyes at all the smashy-smashy.
The best moments of the original “Transformers” featured the silent, mysterious robots we knew little about, the awkward chemistry between Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox and the comic relief of the main character’s parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White), and everyone knew it, including Michael Bay. So not only did he drastically trim these scenes, he also butchered them.
At least three times, Judy Witwicky (White) broke down into hysterical tears, most likely because there was a lapse in the dialogue. Later, she scarfed some reefer and could be found no more than three seconds later spouting sexual euphemisms. Equally bad is Sam’s new college roommate Leo (Ramon Rodriguez). This guy is so played out, he has to talk three times as fast to rip off as many characters as possible.
So the humans are worthless, and just as bad are the robots, which spout monologues, catch phrases and even hip-hop slang from the word go. This time around, they all have personalities and human qualities. They cry, do the droopy eyes, use walking sticks at old age, argue and even fart. If robot fart jokes aren’t crossing a line, I don’t know what is.
But at least it all looks good right? Sure, if you can distinguish between the hundreds of metallic body parts made of tires and hubcaps in the two seconds they’re on screen. The battles are some of the most chaotic things ever put onto film, and we’re just supposed to appreciate the sheer spectacle of it all. To whom it may concern, congratulations: you’re a stickler with Final Cut Pro, and no one cares.
Except that’s where I begin to lose everyone. Apparently, people do care, because no matter how many critics give this movie the bashing it deserves, and no matter how many reasonable souls can be found on IMDB, this movie is and will make a whole mess of money, all of which will further go to funding Michael Bay’s ego to make a third movie.
Every person I’ve talked to use only one word to describe this movie; “awesome.” There’s no arguing with that word. I’ve used it many times myself, but in this case after such repeated use, it is devoid of all meaning. It has been applied to a film that substitutes quality with unrelenting chaos for 150 minutes straight. Such a thing has been confused with entertainment, and what it amounts to is a blatant resignation of effort on the part of the American audience.
Since I became a critic, I have been convinced that if only people could see enough great films with both a powerful story and visual beauty, they would realize that “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is a disgrace to cinema. I know people have seen “The Dark Knight” and “Spiderman 2” and “300” and “Iron Man,” and yet here we stand.
To be fair, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is not the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen, and if pressed, I can think of something nice to say about it. But this is the film that has made me give up. It is the worst movie I’ve seen to achieve such public acclaim, and it has convinced me of the never faltering ignorance of the mainstream society and its inability to better itself.
I’m going out on a limb to say “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is the worst movie of the year so far, and that won’t mean a damn thing to millions.
1 star
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